Looking for happiness
I've tried to be happy for my whole life. I'm still not happy. I've had small pieces of happiness in my short history. I don't even know what would make me happy. I've heard that happiness comes in small pieces. What the hell does that mean? Should I eat doughnuts crumb by crumb? Not to goggle up the whole pun?
If I took a distance to things, rose up in the air to see things really far away I would see people similar to each other. No differencies between happy and unhappy persons. I would see fields as patchwork quilts, rivers and roads as thin lines and buildings as toy bricks of different sizes. I would flit without heading to anywhere specific only looking for happiness. For you maybe? Who are you? Where are you? How can I find you? How can I recognize you? How can I know you are the one? If you know to be the one for me, would you wave to me so I can see you even from the distance. Otherwise, I'm totally lost. I can't find happiness even if it hit me in the face.
I look my life in the past. I browse my memories. I try to find myself from there. So I would know who I am. So I would find a small hint where to look for my happiness. Surprisingly, I find something beautiful from my past. Or is it just the time that has left only good memories? Or have I been happy once? Why can't I remember that? If it's true I definitely have to learn from that. If I ever find happiness I want to be awake and realize to be happy when it happens. So is happiness a matter of an attitude? May I adopt happiness as my attitude? Why there's so many questions without answers when thinking about these things?
Maybe I could search happiness through examples. That person passing by seems to be happy. Seems? No one can look at me and see that I'm not happy. Or can they? They might see it but I can't see it. Many people have hobbies. The usual ones. Is that the thing where they get their happiness? I should try something new myself. If I'm lucky it'll make me feel glad even for a moment. At least I can get something else to think of. And not the most darker things. And if I'm really lucky I might get a feeling of success on something. That would be great! That's one of the crumbs. If searching happiness is this easy I can go to a cafe and order a big pile of donuts and crumble them. And finally, eat the crumbs one by one enjoying everyone of them.
No, it can not be that easy. There must be something else. For some people it seems to be enough if they don't have to be alone. Somebody might even be afraid of being alone. Is that happiness? Or is it obsessive way to suppress they fear of being alone without anything genuine? I'm not afraid being alone. But I don't feel being happy either. When I'm alone I feel like relieved and it's easier to be myself. This conflict hits like a truck and I'm stuck with the question if I should be alone or have somebody. Is happiness necessarily a synonym for love?
Sometimes I feel like I want to go for a long trip around the world. Forget every worries and just wander without an address. Drive through a hot desert with a convertible as fast as it goes with hair fluttering. Fuck, my hair would be tangled after that! Although, I can't exclude the idea that there could be someone on the co-driver's seat. That would be actually a really good idea.
And back to reality and to present. I want the truth! Where the hell is the happiness? I'm sick and tired to this guessing, step forward! Right now!
Aku